When I Become
the Evil Overlord...
author unknown, but it came from da interwebs.
- Shooting will NOT be too good for my enemies.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped, will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
- When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply
will be, "No, just sensible."
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
shoot him, and then say "No".
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks
time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who
is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving
my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
- I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
- All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set
it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
putting his plan into operation.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
updated on 4/27/96